see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
