With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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