My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
