when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
