i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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