If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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