You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
