dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
