saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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