You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
