What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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