I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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