Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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