If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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