overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
