oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
