So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
