I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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