My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
