Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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