if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It was like giving head to a cactus.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
