If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
