Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
