My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
