the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
