Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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