You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
