The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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