Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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