You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
