Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
