Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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