Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
