please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
