FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
