I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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