I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
