did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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