i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
