Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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