i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
