how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
