i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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