I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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