New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
