dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
