I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
