the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
