I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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