I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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