At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
