here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
