went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
we should paint friendship bongs
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