she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize