Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
