we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
