arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
