but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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