Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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