I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
