Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
