she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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