Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize